Alternate title: Lost.
That’s how I feel sometimes—like I’ve lost myself to this person people keep calling Mom. I’m no longer Heather—I’m Mrs. Sokol, Stacia’s Mom, Brenia’s Keeper, Lorelai’s Milk Jugs—but what about me? Am I still in there somewhere?
Last year’s piercings were a half-hearted attempt to reassert myself as an individual. I can do this because I want to. It was something that wasn’t wrapped up in my children, wasn’t dependent on s0meone else’s schedule or approval—it was all mine. Last week I died my hair red for the same reason. It almost turned out purple and I think I might have enjoyed that even more. It’s finally settled into an auburn of sorts. Clearly not natural, definitely unique—it’s all my own.
Next year, maybe I’ll get a tattoo—just kidding, Mom!
I feel like a caterpillar. I’ve spent the last 8 years cocooned in motherhood—nursing babies, changing diapers, cleaning bodily fluids, driving carpool, cheering at soccer games, filming musical performances—that I sort of got lost in there. I can’t even remember who I used to be or what it was I did. I know there was something—I didn’t spend my first 20 years waiting to be a mom. It just sort of happened.
I came out the other side completely transformed. My interests became their interests. My life became theirs. My happiness was suddenly dependent on the well-being of these little creatures who call me Mom. Yet, I don’t feel like a butterfly. I just feel lost. I keep searching for me. Waiting for things to go back to normal, whatever that may be.
Becoming a parent changes you. That much I knew going in. What I didn’t truly get was that the change is permanent! I think somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I’d get the kids in school and go back to being Just Heather. Except, I don’t know her anymore.
If I could just glimpse a few pieces of who I used to be, maybe I’ll finally see the beauty of it all.
It’s very tough! I’m having a hard time of this myself (I’ll probably post in depth sometime soon). It’s odd because when I do make time for myself to be me, I end up resenting the kids when they pull me away from being “Just Katie” and back to mom. It’s almost easier to stay in mom mode instead of fighting for a self apart from that.
That’s scary! I’m still trying to figure out what I wanna be when I grow up and it’s not just Mom, that’s for sure. There has to be a balance between self-identification and motherhood! It was good seeing you Sunday. I kinda feel bad now, cuz I think the first question I asked you was “Where’s the girls?” I’ll try to remember not to do that to a Mom again. 🙂
This is a great post Heather. Yes, being a parent is permanent and it is life changing. You are actually “Just Heather” to each of us. Your own thoughts may be different, but each of us see each other in a different light.
Now look what you made me do! It’s too early in the morning to get all deeper than the ocean…
I can still see Heather ….she’s the one that writes so well and makes me smile n laugh. Haven’t been by in a while what with work, life and what not, you know..oh right, your a mom, no sympathy about time management from you..ok, this is where I came in…ciao